So today, the whole family’s in uproar about this loaded bloke Bingley who’s moved in to Netherfield. Well all except Pa. Honestly what a downer that man is, totally antisocial, hides away in what he calls his ‘library’ all day. I’ve a pretty good idea what kind of books he’s got in there the old perv. Only times he sticks his nose out it’s to diss his daughters. ‘They are all silly and ignorant, like other girls,’ is a typical gem to issue from this book-addicted saddo. Nice. Mysogynistic fool. I tell you, it’s a miracle I don’t have low self-esteem, it’s a testament to my strength as a woman to be honest, that I am the person what I am today. I think Pa’s constant chipping away at our confidence has had a traumatic effect on all of us. Not to mention, we’ve had our noses rubbed in the fact since Day One, that our very existence is some sort of abomination, in that we aren’t boys. Er, hello! Did we ask to be born? I think not. They should be grateful for five healthy offspring but no, we have to be saddled with man-parts-envy as well as social isolation.
Something called an entail? Anyhoo the upshot is none of us can inherit Longbourn and it doesn’t really properly belong to our Pa, and we all get evicted when he kicks it. Call that fair? Discrimination, that’s what I call it. All that book learning, and Pa’s not managed to sue to get this put right. Not like the guy has to work for a living, he could’ve trained as a lawyer and sorted it out if he had any sense. In fact we’ve an uncle who’s a lawyer! But no, we are supposed to feel guilty about our girly bits, well sorry, not moi. So our poor old Ma is half bonkers with misplaced guilt, like it’s her fault we’re all girls.
Ma’s a living warning, poor pet. She’s a total sweetie, and really understands the importance of Fashion, though she struggles to keep up. And you can tell she was once really pretty. We let her ramble on about all the balls she went to and the officers she flirted with, out of kindness you know. How she ended up with Pa I can’t imagine. I love her of course, but she’s no role model. Gets married, has five daughters, and spends her life at Longbourn obsessing about whether we’ll all get married before we get booted out. Oh yes Ma, I can’t wait to be just like you. Not. It’s tragic really. Goes on about her ‘nerves’ all the time, it’s no wonder she’s neurotic is it? Catch me running a house like this and popping out babies whose only value is their willies, ruining my figure and condemning myself to live with an unsupportive man! And he’s a crap father figure, except to my sister Lizzy, she’s Pa’s favourite. She’s ok I suppose, at least she’s got a bit of spirit, though she’s old before her time, of course she’s into her twenties and stuck here with no prospects which would make anybody weird. I think she feels guilty about Pa preferring her, he’s all ‘my little Lizzy’, but she needn’t, as it means spending time in his library reading books with him, sod that for a game of soldiers. Mmm, soldiers.... muskets... musket one for myself, geddit?! Is that a musket in your pantaloons, or are you just pleased to be introduced to me? Fnarr fnarr!