Anyhoo Charls insists, maybe she’s so besotted she thinks Lizzy rocks, or
is it to show up her lack of finesse and accomplishments to Darcy and his mob?
Either way, Liz belts out a couple of numbers, no harm no foul, before Mary
elbows her way in and starts torturing us with interminable concertos (that
means, small concerts but these went on for like, years). The party’s bombing
now, and worse, Darcy and co start looking for their hats and gloves, so I save
the day, as ever, by getting Mary to play some dance tunes and a bunch of us
start dancing with the officers, I making sure to dance with Captain P just to
keep Carter on his well-polished toes. I also make sure to keep swooping by
Darcy, so I’m right there to hear him squishing Sir Wills, who’s burbling about
dancing being a refinement of polished societies, by remarking ‘every savage
can dance.’ Well they can all breathe as well, it’s not going to stop any of us
doing that, honestly how stuck up can he be! I have a bit of a qualm, maybe
he’s not nice enough for my sister, clueless and old though she be, but then I
see Sir W, not the sharpest knife in the box, trying to get Darcy to dance with
Liz! When he’s just said he despises it! Aha, thinks I, Sir W is trying to put
him off Liz, by pointing out that yet again she’s got an empty dance card, to
give his own brood of freakos a better chance of grabbing the readies. But get
this, Darcy actually asks her, and Liz tells him to take a hike!
‘I have not the least intention of dancing, I didn’t move this way to beg
for a partner,’ and she turns away with a smile.
She didn’t see Darcy’s face, honestly, he looked like he’d been stuffed
and mounted like my uncle’s prize salmon. Result! I drag my partner over to
Lizzy, and give her a sisterly hug in passing, to her surprise. What a put
down! Or ‘set down’ as Ma would say. I bet that man has never been turned down
in his life. It’ll do him the world of good, and it’ll do Liz the world of good
too, in his eyes. And of course I was right, as ever, as the vilest Blingley
sister, our arch enemy, trips over to Darcy all smarmy.
‘I know what you’re thinking,’ she goes. Men hate that, they don’t know
themselves what they are thinking and this only confuses them, she knows
nothing of the gender methinketh. ‘You are thinking how insupportable it would
be to pass many evenings in this manner. I’m quite of your opinion, I was never
more annoyed!’
I’m like, well why did you come then you daft bint? She then goes on to
accuse us of, wait for it, insipidity, noise, nothingness, and self-importance!
Right, this means war! Any doubts I had about getting D and L together, are
gone. I vow then and there that any effort, any resulting marital misery for
all involved, will be worth it, just to see her sour lemon-sucking gob when she
hears they are engaged.
This beehatch is going down! Oh, it’s so ON!
And like the gods are cheering me on in my good and unselfish works,
Darcy himself gives her a right verbal slap in the chops. ‘Actually I’m
meditating on the very great pleasure a pair of fine eyes in the face of a
pretty woman can bestow,’ he goes.
Eyes, eh! I’d say his own eyes were mostly looking further south of my
sister if you get my drift. Anyhoo, Miss B’s face lights up, thinking he means
her, as if!
She asks who, all faux coy, and he goes for the killer punch – ‘Miss
Elizabeth Bennet’. YES!
I suddenly realise I’ve shouted it aloud, and have to spend the next five
minutes fighting off my partner who’d just asked me a rather impertinent
question... but it gets Captain Carter rushing over to cut in, and I only
manage to hear one bit of her response, which is ‘You’ll have a charming mother
in law, she’ll always be at Pemberley with you.’
Another huge tactical error, a rookie mistake! She’s reminding him of our
family, our poverty, yadda yadda, well there’s no hiding that, and he’s so
minted he doesn’t need dosh, but she’s also reminded him of Ma, one of our best
assets! Ok she’s a bit nervy these days, but she still looks good for her age,
and they do say a young man looks at his girl’s mother to see what she’ll be
like some years down the line. I’m so full of triumph and excitement, I have to
go outside for some fresh air, and Captain Carter kisses my hand and then, oh
then, the side of my neck... ooohhh, it feels good, he smells good, and I don’t
care that we’re not engaged, to hell with all that carp!
All in all a damn fine night’s work I’d say!
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